Winning Left Me With These F*cked Up Beliefs Pt. 1
Winning changes you.
Not just externally
but quietly,
internally,
in ways no one warns you about.
For a long time, I thought winning would fix everything.
It wired my subconcious together in ways I’ve had to untangle.
Instead, it taught me some dangerous lessons.
From 2021-2023 I worked behind the scenes as the right hand guy to arguably one of the great entrepreneurs of our time.
NY Times best selling author, International Fitness Franchise, an early Mentor and Coach to some people who are house hold names NOW.
For a long time, I thought winning would fix everything.
It wired my subconcious together in ways I’ve had to untangle.
Instead, it taught me some dangerous lessons.
1. I’m only worthy of friends if I’m successful
Somewhere along the way, I (wrongly) learned this:
People don’t want me.
They want access to something I have access to.
The rooms got fuller as the results did.
The invitations came.
The messages hit.
I thought if I gave it away, people would love me more.
And I started confusing proximity with connection.
I started leveraging friendships with access to people, places, or things I had proximity to.
I wouldn’t think I can grab dinner with a friend unless I was paying, and it had to be a nice place.
What kind of friend is that?
The fucked up part?
I stopped asking:
“Do they like me?”
And started asking:
“What do I need to keep doing so they stay?”
2. I’m only lovable if I provide
This one ran deeper.
I thought a successful relationship depended on money and resources.
Granted, money solves the problem of not having money, which is a great problem to solve.
If I wasn’t:
giving
paying
solving
carrying
producing
Then what was my value?
I became useful before I became present.
And usefulness is a dangerous substitute for intimacy.
We see this all the time; Tom Brady, Jeff Bezos, successful men with unsuccessful marriages.
Wealth in itself carries the same relational and intimacy struggles as the next guy.
A relationship ended for me, and it wasn’t until then that I realized I had a fucked up outlook.
I thought that I was only worthy of giving, receiving, and expecting love if I had resources and money.
Not only not true, but a pretty sad fucked up guy to be around.
3. I’m only worthy of nice experiences if there’s suffering mixed in
Rest started to feel undeserved.
Joy felt suspicious.
Ease felt lazy.
If it wasn’t earned through exhaustion,
did I really deserve it?
I can recall being on a yacht, 24 days into 75 hard.
I was resisting offers of drinks, some decent food NOT on my nutrition plan.
And I felt really good about myself, I felt like I was separating myself (Doing it for external approval)
Guess what happened naxt?
That night, I forgot to take my progress picture, (1 of 6 or so VITAL pieces to completing 75 Hard)
And so Day 25, turned into Day 0, *just like that
I was already tired, now im feeling deflated.
And guess what, the friends and family I was with,
They didnt give a flying fuck about 75 Hard, They didnt think I was doing something great.
They just remember me being a slouch, even snooty to an extent, not having a good time.
And i missed out on the experience thinking I had to prove myself deserving of it through suffering.
I didn’t know how to receive without proving.
So I kept suffering
because suffering made things feel legitimate.
I’d still keep a part of paying your dues (a workout on vacation, getting the salad if you’re also getting fries, reading a book at a nice hotel, doing cardio in nice neighborhoods)
But I wouldn’t put suffering at the front of the epxerience, nor would I label it suffering.
4. I’m only worthy if I have resources to give away
This one looks noble on the surface.
Generous.
Grounded.
Respectable.
But underneath?
Fear.
Fear that without leverage
without value
without excess
I’d disappear.
I didn’t just want abundance.
I needed it to feel safe being seen.
So I leave that job end of 2022, and start my early days of my business.
Things went great, and soon the rush of clients I got from referrals and promoting my business, finished our 90-180 contracts.
Resources started drying up, and at that time my lease was ending and my original plan of moving to Chicago, had fell through the cracks.
I move back onto my moms couch, still scraping by running an online business.
I land a day job at a local gym, and about a month in..
I tear my patellar tendon playing basketball..
The clients I did have, I lost from not being present, I was deflated..
the surgeries and pain killers didnt matter to my clients, I had a responsibility.
The next 12 months I had to rewrite my way of feeling worthy,
Had to get through the day to get to tomorrow.
Its not often in life you get an opportunity to restart, and prove to yourself why you’re worthy to walk the earth.
And btw, when I say walk the earth, I literally had to be taught how to walk again…
The hidden cost of winning
No one talks about this part.
Winning teaches us how to perform.
How to provide.
How to produce.
But it doesn’t teach us how to be loved without output.
And if we’re not careful,
we confuse success with permission to exist.
The quiet realization
Here’s the truth I’m still unlearning:
I was worthy before the wins.
Lovable before the proof.
Enough before the resources.
The success didn’t create my value.
It just amplified what was already there
and exposed what I hadn’t healed yet.
Healed me thinks I was all of those things before, during, and will continue to be after all those things.
Where I’m at now
I’m learning to let people see me without the receipt.
To rest without guilt.
To enjoy without justification.
To give without needing it to mean something about my worth.
It’s uncomfortable.
But it’s honest.
And honesty feels like the beginning of freedom.
Final thought
Winning didn’t break me.
It rewired the beliefs I built to survive.
And now,
I get the opportunity to choose which ones I keep.
